Unconditional 


carpenter, artist
gymnast, writer
handicap, basket case 
drama queen, igniter

instead of the most convenient
in lieu of simple boxes
we must see one another other clearly
accepting the paradoxes

protector, intellectual
comedian, advisor 
enabler, martyr
crybaby, miser

stretching perceptions
and challenging beliefs
encouraging expression
and offering relief

provider, debater
helper, teacher
dictator, complainer
whiner, preacher

till death do us part 
in sickness and in health
loving unconditionally
is where we’ll find wealth

-image credit kriscarr.com via Google 

Invasion

pitter patter
clack-clicking
‘cross the floor
evil tricking

teeth gnawing
scratching incessant 
can’t be still
another second

chasing silent
am I crazy?
did I just hear it?
my head is hazy 

waiting game
tickety-tock
round and round and round
the clock

upon the ceiling 
in the walls
fast and furious
down the halls

tiny monsters
sharp and hairy
invading, invading
my sanctuary

GET OUT, GET OUT
PLEASE, GO AWAY
YOU’RE ALL I HEAR
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY

I thought you’d vanished
welcome back…
aren’t you famished?
how ’bout a snack?


~Image credits animalplanet.com and dreamstime.com, respectively 

Hollow (limerick)


Spent your days climbing the ladder
Striving to covet what matters
Chunk of the pie a must
While love collected dust
In the end, left hollow and shattered

-image found via Google at fullhdpictures.com

-created as part of Ronovan Writes’ haiku challenge. Yes, I do know it’s not a haiku! I mixed up two challenges…..and so here’s a limerick. Maybe next week I’ll get it straight. 

Silent


insecurity grips
when I’m unsure
or anxious;
when I’m silent
and don’t say a word

insecurity turns to fear
when I feel wounded
or forgotten;
when I’m quiet 
and don’t say a word

fear turns to loathing
when I seem invisible,
or inferior

when I’m silent 
and don’t say a word

-image credit Tumblr

“People only get really interesting when they begin to rattle the bars of their cages.”

Alain de Botton

Relax, Don’t Do It

Why do I sometimes need M to save me from myself? It’s a tough question, one I’ve asked myself dozens upon dozens of times. Many times I feel so silly after I think it through.

I don’t always know the why. And sometimes, I know what I’m doing isn’t good for me, but I can’t stop. It’s as if all my logic has been stomped down deep. I avoid using it, and this mess of thoughts I’m left with has left the train station, the momentum only gaining in strength. My thoughts continuously justify themselves until I’m exhausted and can’t do anything but avoid eye contact, because I KNOW what I am doing or what I did makes no freaking sense. But I also don’t know the why. I don’t know why I continue, not in the moment, at least.

Here’s a recent example:

M had a surgery a few weeks ago. He’s healing beautifully, and that makes my heart so happy. He is so very thankful for the care I’ve been providing for he and the girls while he’s healing, on crutches, and cannot drive. Last Sunday, he had spoken with the girls and they were going to show their appreciation by doing the Sunday chores for me, giving me some free time. It was so sweet and kind.

Except, I didn’t use the time to relax. I didn’t read or write or take a bath. I mowed the lawn. I did laundry, cleaned other stuff, and did other chores that just seemed to be looming over my head, making it difficult for me to relax. They didn’t need to be done on Sunday. They could have been done any day of the week, in fact. But, I could not relax while they worked, even though I was completely exhausted. I even completed a task he specifically told me NOT to do, but in my head, I was convinced he’d be proud of me. Usually now I can accept when he helps with the cooking or does a load of dishes or folds some clothes, but this I struggled with. By the end of the day, I was an exhausted mess.

Here’s the most twisted part of it all for me: We truly see what we each do for one another and the family. Our appreciation overflows. The fact that he does such things for me touches me so deeply; it’s the most affirming feeling in the world. Here he is, truly understanding, saying and doing things I always daydreamed of, and yet…..I cannot accept it. I want it, I’ve always wanted this sort of eye opening transparency that allows us to so deeply see and appreciate one another. And here he is trying to communicate it to me…..and sometimes I can’t receive it. 

By the end of the day, after I was sufficiently reset (with the cane) and pliable, it was staring me in the face. I mean, I was staring ME in the face, and I was brought to tears. It’s me. It’s me who ends up using negative self talk to tell myself all the things that will still be looming and unfinished, and not putting myself on that list anywhere. I do it all the time. I even know I’m doing it. Ultimately, I end up directing my frustration with myself at him, even if only in my head. In this case, it was because I needed him to say, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to go relax. That I was ALLOWED to turn off my radar and allow my brain and body to relax, that it was okay that they did the work and that I did something else that wasn’t work. In fact, that’s what I always need, for him to say so. I often have trouble even asking for time for me, even though I know I desperately need it.

And that’s ultimately what feels silly to me, that I cannot do that for myself, that I need him to do it for me. That maybe I don’t feel like I deserve it, I don’t know, but I know that when I explain it to him, it feels shameful. I feel like I’m asking him for something I should be able to do for myself, and I can’t decide if I feel that way because ‘that’s the way it should be’, meaning I have this notion in my head that I’m not living up to some standard a strong woman should be able to live up to, or because it’s so raw and small and vulnerable admitting to him I need that from him sometimes. I don’t know. Likely, it’s some of both.

And the biggest question of all is….should the goal be to help me learn to do that for myself? Is that what I’m asking for?

Next time, he said he’s going to make me leave the house. I wonder how that will go?

Anew

This is dedicated to my friend, Rita. Here’s to new beginnings, or the continuation of a journey. Here’s to YOU!

Three best friends 
Sat on some bars tools
Laughing away all their worries
Robert Plant walked in, saweeeeet!
I jumped down to kiss his feet

Maybe sometimes I’m a weirdo, but it’s alright
The more ‘normal’ things seem to be
The less happy I will be
Ohhh, don’t hesitate

Girl let’s put hiking boots on
Tell me what’s goin on
Let’s put our guards down
Big sweaters and faded jeans
Tryin’ to live out our dreams
Findin’ ourselves right here, right now

Blue as the Colorado sky, never lonely
Sipping wine in the bar by the roadside
(Relaxin’, relaxin’)
Ain’t nobody foolin’ me
Gotta learn how to just ‘be’

Maybe sometimes we feel afraid
But it’s alright
The more we stay the same
The more they seem to change
Don’t you think that’s strange?

Girl let’s put hiking boots on
Tell me what’s goin on
Let’s put our guards down
Big sweaters and faded jeans
Tryin’ to live out our dreams
Findin’ ourselves right here, right now

Found a new path to take
Finally, for goodness sake
No more nights awake
Takin’ care of me makes me stronger
Don’t need a game face any longer
Doin’ what I want to!

Girl let’s put hiking boots on
Told this place what’s goin’ on
I let my guard down
Big sweaters and faded jeans
Living out my dreams
I’ve found myself right here, right now

Just Breathe

Emily was kind enough to play Just Breathe by Pearl Jam, at my request! My all time favorite song by them, and this is a spectacular rendition, made more beautiful by her lovely talents! Please check her out!

Thank you, again, Emily. 💜 And it’s lovely to meet you, Cotton.

Poet Girl Em

You would think a Seattle girl would know all songs by Pearl Jam, but even I am still discovering their music.

Ms. Kay of Diary of a Married Woman is another Pearl Jam fan and when I posted Nothingman, she chimed in with a great request for a song of theirs I haven’t heard called Just Breathe.  It’s beautiful. And so here is my version on the harmonium!

Thanks, Kay! I hope you enjoy it. 🙂  And you get to meet my cat Cotton about 1:10 minutes in.

Em

**********

Just Breathe ~ Pearl Jam

Yes I understand
That every life must end, uh huh
As we sit alone
I know someday we must go, uh huh

Oh I’m a lucky man
To count on both hands
The ones I love
Some folks just have one
Yeah others they got none, uh huh

Stay with me
Let’s just breathe

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Believe


I found paradise in a little taupe house on a corner,
felt the radiating warmth of its promise snuggled beneath homemade quilts made of old khaki pants,
saw it in the orange speckles of hope in eyes that made real things for which I’d only ever hoped

I found holy land in an ornery smile and two mismatched legs,
in arms which never let go, no matter how hard I pushed 

we built our own sanctuary,
worshipping our own way,
turning needless guilt and regret into fire between gray cottony sheets
and sacrificing ourselves to one another

I found belonging in two sets of tiny eyes looking up at us, looking to us,
in bouncy blond curls and baby teeth and skinned knees that needed kisses

I found community in genuine smiles and borrowed eggs and butter,
in snow blown driveways,
in last minute cook outs, carrying Tupperware from house to house

so don’t ask me if I believe in something bigger than myself –
of course I do

heaven is everywhere I look

-image credit theodysseyonline.com, reworked and shared as part of Mindlovemiserysmenagerie Music Prompt Challenge