Growing D/s: The Reality

I’d like to think that M was meant to be my Dominant, and I, his submissive. After nearly three years of growing this dynamic together, it certainly feels like this is true.

In the beginning, there’s no doubt that in my brain it was the convenient rationalization. It meant that my deep rooted desire to surrender would have a purpose, that my wants and needs would be met. It meant that I could finally completely unlock this part of me that needed to be met with Dominance on the other side, that I could trust in him to do that, to fulfill that need. I saw those qualities in him, to be sure. But I’d be lying if I said that I knew he’d be some Domly Dom that would just take over and lead. I’d be lying if I said he did. I’d also be lying if I said I just let go and was the perfect submissive. I’d be lying if I said I was today.

The reality of growing D/s as a long term, married couple is that that scenario couldn’t possibly be true for us. We could not possibly have been the sort of Dominant and submissive types I read about in books, or the ones I so often read about online. I can’t imagine it is in most cases. It most certainly does NOT look the ways I envisioned it in my head at the start of things when I had no idea how any such thing played out in real life, where M isn’t a millionaire and I’m not a struggling, fumbling, single gal who isn’t strong enough to handle herself.

What we did have was the life we’d built together for more than 20 years. We had two kids, jobs, everyday life stresses, and no dungeon. We had what we knew about one another, having fought our way through good times and bad, to enhance and build upon. We had a foundation on which to grow.

What that meant in the beginning, is that I had to do my own internal work, I had to offer him my submission. I had to make way for his Dominance, first. There is no way that I could possibly have gone into this with the expectation that he rise up to be the Dominant I had envisioned, that he should be some omniscient, all knowing man who would just inherently know what I wanted or needed because that is also what he wanted or needed. It didn’t matter that we had more than 20 years of history: M needed me to let go and begin to be his submissive in order to meet it with Dominance. He had to see that he desired and needed it too. He had to discover for himself what he needed from me and how that might look and evolve. We had to talk, and talk, and talk. We had to try, and fail, and try, and fail. We had to be patient and communicate.

There have been so many tears and stumbles. But somewhere along the way, my submission was met with Dominance. And more Dominance. And more. Until one day, my submission was expected. It was fueled and commanded and continuously deepened, creating this endless loop of power exchange.

Now, about three years later, I am most definitely HIS submissive. He is my MY Dominant. It looks nothing like what I envisioned in the beginning, nor will it ever. I still develop expectations and envision them being carried out and am stunned into reality when they are not. He still expects me to follow through with the things I offered from the start and sometimes forgets to recognize them or to hold me accountable. We stumble over how our messages are communicated and received, in both words and actions, because we speak different communication languages in some ways, and we always will.

But growing D/s is no different than growing anything else that matters to my heart: it must be grown at its own pace, organically. It cannot be prescribed, it cannot be held against some ideal. It has to be grown to meet the needs of the actual individuals, according to real-life abilities, taking into consideration the differences, according to each person’s needs, wants and desires. And not all of those will necessarily be met! I think we sometimes take that for granted! Some things we will always need to do for ourselves, because it isn’t realistic to ask them of another. Or maybe just not the one sitting next me on the couch. And that isn’t a reason to walk away, not for me, at least. It just means an adjustment in thinking and expectations. It means constant communication. It means not only thinking of me.

I can’t ever go back to being the person who can’t or won’t surrender. But I sure as hell can and will continue to grow this dynamic with M, knowing for certain it will most likely NOT be grown in the way I sometimes envision it in my head.

It will be better, because it will continue to be grown the way it should. And many times it’s staring me in the face and I’m missing it. Thank goodness he’s a patient man.

-image credit Carolyn Aitken

14 thoughts on “Growing D/s: The Reality

  1. So true. I just ❤ this! There are times I don’t know if one would really call us D/s. It doesn’t matter though. The guidelines are what keep me submitting because it makes me happiest. My visions had him way more commanding but that isn’t him and I’d probably rebel against that. lol Slow and steady growth promotes long term changes.

  2. I believe… that most D/s relationships are far more this than any other way. Ours sure is! Real life is about the kids and bills and cleaning and what’s for dinner and shopping for groceries and who’s cooking, and dropping her or him at soccer or choir or football or band etc. It’s about we need a new car and the kids need school clothes and shoes, and why can’t we take vacation this year and oh yeah, how come you are always so late coming home and there is never time to play and you never set rules for me or play anymore???

    If your relationship can function with all this and you are so in love with each other that you manage to work through all of life’s necessities to find time for togetherness, whether you regularly play or go to dungeon parties or even have sex… all these little things are what true D/s really is. You two making it work and loving and caring for each other in a committed partnership. Being submissive is me having Sir’s dinner whenever He gets home, even at 11 at night, and staying up to kiss and hug Him. For Him to know I do understand how hard He works. It’s me being polite and not rolling my eyes when I hear the same old stories about what happened at work. It’s listening because He needs to get it off His chest.

    It’s not Him being all Domly and ordering me around… although happily sometimes that happens in bed! 😉
    D/s to me is all the little day-to-day things that make your relationship stick. D/s is the glue that keeps you together!

    • Oh, this was such a lovely description! Yes! I very much agree. It’s all those things. The day-to-day, communicating and making it work. Honor, appreciation, and not taking for granted. Absolutely! Thank you so much for sharing that.💜

    • Thank you, Shy. I’m so glad it was helpful in some way. I very often seem to do the same thing. Thank goodness. Have a lovely week!💜

  3. I loved reading the honesty here about it not looking like how you imagined in the beginning. I feel that way for sure about how my own dynamic has evolved over the years and how in many ways it doesn’t look like anything I see, read or hear. Though, it can’t, obviously. Like you said 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

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