Jumping In (Our Way)

*MATURE CONTENT 

Several weeks ago, M and I went to our first play party. We had no idea what to expect, aside from the community organization’s description and pics of the space that were offered online. We didn’t know anyone in the community yet; we’d only attended one rope group and nothing else. 

And there’s a lot to consider in deciding to go! How it could potentially impact our lives if we are outed, the exposure and vulnerability in being naked (me) and playing in front of others (us), the trying to make friends, what we expect to get out of it, developing rules and expectations between the two of us beforehand, and so much more. I think one of the biggest things is being unsure about what part of fantasy is meant to become reality and what should remain fantasy. 

We talked so much in the months before going, wrapping our heads around it all. One doesn’t know for certain which is to remain fantasy and what may become reality until one gets out there and begins to experiment…

So we jumped in.

The first play party was overwhelming, in both good and not so good ways. It’s impossible not to have expectations and visions of what it might be like – how it will look and feel, both the physical space as well as the atmosphere, in the group setting, as a couple, and as individuals. We did some reading online, and openly discussed ours beforehand, which was very helpful. 

No matter what sort of talking we did, there  were still a bazillion things to see and hear and take in at once. Above all, right away, it was the most freeing thing to walk into a room with people who are so open and accepting, who celebrate free sexual expression. The apparatus was fantastic as well; there were many stations and endless possibilities. We walked around, looked, and touched it all. We watched others play. It was exciting – an emotional and sensory playground in so many ways. And the single biggest thing I noticed right away is that no one there was body conscious. No one I saw! It was wonderful. The acceptance and freedom was unbelievable.

Other things weren’t so great feeling. The loud techno music was wearing on me after a while. There was also this feeling – a feeling that many interactions were missing a connected, erotic charge. I mean, they were having fun, but it seemed sort of coldish or disconnected in many instances. It also wasn’t very social, in that we didn’t talk to many people. And I hadn’t needed all that lingerie I bought, because most wore street clothes and just took them off to play (bottoms). 

We did not play this time. We watched and talked, and talked and watched. We took it all in.

It took a while to process it all together, and it was pretty overwhelming that night. We were both overflowing with input and measuring what we saw and felt against what we’d expected, as well as how the atmosphere and experiences could possibly meet our needs and desires.

After a lot of talking, we knew we wanted to go again. We knew some of the things we didn’t love or had perceived the way we did had to do with our own expectations and notions, and by filtering it all through our own narrow filters. We saw acceptance in ourselves. We saw possibility, in many forms. 

A couple weeks later we went again. The second time was much different; we knew better what to expect, and having processed the input as well as possible, we could process more in the moment. Some of the off things that we felt the first time, we didn’t as much the second time, and that probably had to do with not being so inundated with new feelings and information all at once, every single second!

There was a warmer atmosphere, but there were also fewer people, which was nice. The interactions didn’t feel so cold in many instances, and that was partly because we adjusted our perceptions. There will always be some people who are there to play who seek connections in much different ways than what we have or want. There are people into all sorts of things, free to experiment and live out their desires. That is the beauty of being in an accepting environment, having the freedom to do just that! I even wore something on top that was revealing by my standards and felt (mostly) comfortable! 

After being there for a while, talking to a couple people, and watching some play, M decided we’d play. He chose a spanking bench, which was a beautifully crafted and comfortable piece of wooden furniture with pads.

M was pleasantly surprised at how easily I stripped off my clothes and was ready for him as he unpacked his bag. He buckled on my collar, told me he loved me and asked if I was ready. Although I was a bit nervous, I was ready. Very much so.

It was intense and surreal. Tiring and exhilarating.

Although I didn’t register it fully in the moment, a small cluster of people gathered near our bench to talk and watch. We played hard and connected like we always do. The change of venue didn’t inhibit that at all. 

It was unbelievable. 

Our community has a party every month, and we are going again next weekend. He intends to play again. Woot woot! 

It’s so freaking exciting to be traveling this journey with M! We don’t know exactly where we are heading, but that’s half the fun. We are enjoying the ride!

-image found via google images, free getty images

 
 

Morning

sleepy eyes wake to salmon hue
sneaking between the window shades

inviting feet to follow, out
to savor what the gods have made

billowing cotton stretches the sky
as I breathe in the chilly air

and little paws dance on frosty grass
reluctant to leave his lair

warmth radiates in steamy wafts
from my favorite Black Dog mug

filled with the best pour-over java
made for me, the perfect hug

thinking pad and clean white sheets
lay before me, calling me home 

I sink to inky depths, welcomed
direction completely unknown 


Photos are mine. Good morning!

Exactly

*MATURE CONTENT

with an irresistible, directing nod,
or a few precisely chosen words,
he moved her,
exactly where he wanted her

she listened to herself,
eagerly mouthing compliant
little phrases as she moved,
exactly where he wanted her

there was only him,
placing and binding; readying,
and her, bare to him,
doing exactly what he wanted

oh, God…
she loved the feel of him

especially in her mind

-Image found on Tumblr.

Threshold, a Quadrille

you and I, wowed,
alone amidst the crowd,
music wicked loud,
but we don’t hear it

unknown eyes viewing,
your instruments a’cueing,
release a’brewing,
I tremble for you

bared to and bearing for,
from pit of soul, giving more,
stepping through another door,
together

-created in response to the Dverse Quadrille prompt, cue, and image found via Tumblr

To Infinity, and Beyond….

Recently, M and I went to our first (shibari) rope group and not long after that, we attended our first play party. These events were our first time venturing out into the kink community, and I’m so glad we did (more on that in another post). The coolest part is that it’s an extension of something M spoke to me about a couple of months ago…

Not long after M had his surgery this summer, he had an epiphany of sorts. He sat me down and said he’d realized some things about himself and wanted to share them with me. He went on to tell me he’d been holding back on acting on and sharing some of his desires, as he’d been slowly working through some preconceived notions and societal, engrained beliefs. Going so deep or far, in his mind, made him/us cross a line into “really kinky”, and he’d worried about continuing down that path, wondering how far and deep into these things that path might lead us. How deep does the rabbit hole go? Because the things we already do have continually evolved, continuously stretching and pushing our boundaries and evolving our limits. 

Over the last 4 years or so, we’ve continually added and intensified, in so many ways, both in and out of the bedroom. I can’t even describe how amazing that journey has been; we’ve learned so much about one another and we’ve grown so much as a result. We continually feel like more – like more than we were the day before and the day before that. It is incredible. I’m constantly in awe.

M told me he knew we’d reached this place of having such a sure-footed foundation and such a high level of ongoing, two-way communication that he no longer worried about going too far or taking too many missteps, because he knew we’d talk the whole way through, just like we’ve been doing, and continue to grow in that process. There is no manipulation or hidden agenda from either of us, only trust, respect, and honesty. And because of that, he wants to continue to challenge us, to further explore, and deepen our relationship. He wants to go wherever we decide to go, together, with no feeling of restraint or residual, societal negativity present. If we are happy, that’s all that matters. Free to be ourselves. How amazing is that???

And since his surgery, there’s been this lightness, this happiness and fullness about him that makes my heart swell. He’s finally pain free, aside from some muscular soreness that should eventually subside. His brain is no longer cloudy and fighting to survive the day. Again, how amazing is that?? 

When he brought those things to me, I just listened. I was ecstatic to hear him sharing it all with me. Overwhelmed, in the best way. I didn’t push or ask him to further reveal anything; I figured he’d tell me when he felt it was right for us. 

He began to slowly introduce ideas into our play, but I didn’t know they were linked to these desires. But, WOW. And more wow. 

Then, a few months ago, he told me all the things he’d been fantasizing about and hoped could become a reality. Things like delving much deeper into rope, hopefully to suspension (we’ve only ever done floor work and partial suspension), trying an anal hook, attending community events, and some things involving voyeurism/exhibitionism.

One of the first things he asked me to do when he took control is to do things which he would watch/direct, so I knew how much he is visually stimulated. That has continually evolved as well; we frequently look at Tumblr together and share a blog for reposting things we like, talking about those things regularly. So, I wasn’t completely surprised when he told me he’d like to live out some of his voyeuristic and exhibitionist fantasies. He wants to begin to attend play parties and potentially go to club events, and he wants to play and participate at those events. There are times he wants to watch and direct certain activities. Although I wasn’t completely surprised, I also wasn’t expecting most of it. 

Which is maybe the best part of all of this. 

Although he’s shared so many desires and fantasies along the way, M felt he could be open enough to share those most vulnerable things with me, too, having worked through that process (he’s had a process and journey to travel over this time, too!) safely within the confines of this relationship we’ve built. Seriously, how fucking awesome is that?? I know I keep saying that, but I feel it, so deeply. 

I love that we can share anything and everything. I love that we evolve. I love that we can travel this journey openly, sharing all our fantasies and desires, but also have the ability to discuss and consider all the subsequent possibilities of doing so. It feels very healthy not to just jump right in to every single thing that catches our interest without considering the ramifications, both physical and emotional. We are in no hurry; M feels very strongly about going at a pace, both in and out of the bedroom, that doesn’t completely overwhelm either of us, and also wants us to be safe and informed about the things in which we are engaging. So do I.

The first steps began with our ongoing talks. In fact, it’s almost all we talked about for weeks and weeks! We learn and experience, and talk some more. And on, and on. 

Tonight, M and I will go to our second play party. Tonight, we will play. I will be nude in front of 50-100 of my closest strangers. (Gah!) But I’ll be doing it with him, my heart full of trust and my soul so full of happiness. 

I am often jolted by this unbelievable feeling. I can’t even describe it. We get to continuously make real our desires. We get to experiment and find what fits and what does not. We get to take this journey, free to be ourselves. 

I get to experience these new things with the love of my life. 

Last time, I asked for you all to wish me luck. This time, although I am a bit nervous, I know I don’t need any luck. I trust him. I trust us.

I’m just going to leap….

image found via Tumblr….one of my all time favorites!

Whee!!

This blog has evolved quite a bit for me. It’s been almost three years since I opened it here in WP, and a little over three since I joined the online world of blogging. 

Three years ago it began as a diary, mostly as a means to reflect and sort my thoughts as my husband and I began a journey deeper than we’d ever gone before. I don’t care much for the boxes in which labels place people, but for explanation purposes, we began to follow a natural path of D/s, one in which life lead us. And while that is a large part of me and us as a whole, it is by no means a definition of the whole, even though it’s impact can be seen in all the parts. As such, I have always shared parts of my whole life, journaling as I experienced them and reflect upon them. The freedom to be myself and the processes involved encompass every part of me and my life. Those expressions have come in the form of both prose and poetry and everything in between.

The more I learn about myself and the more M and I grow and evolve, the less I’ve needed to process in the form of prose. I know now, part of my sharing was also a desperate need to connect with other human beings. I crave that connectedness, that deep human contact. And once I began to experience that, it was so very profound. I knew instantly it was something huge, a puzzle piece in my life that had been missing. I was afraid to lose it. I often wondered if I slowed down, would people go away? If I began to share more and more parts of me, would people be less interested? And so on. I needed validation, too. To not feel so alone at times, or so crazy even. In the process, I met some people I became very close with, and wondered and sought similar things in those relationships. Being this vulnerable and exposed was new to me. But I vowed to not lose it, to continue the journey, and it has meant continuing to challenge those insecure thoughts and feelings, in writing, and even being honest and sharing them with the ones I care about. That honesty has proven to be such an incredible building block. And I don’t think I’ll ever want to be without this deep human contact, in many forms. 

Over time, I’ve also begun to find a comfort I can’t describe in being alone with whatever thoughts have compelled me to reach out first or to seek validation or camaraderie before I’ve fully sat with those thoughts and emotions. I still love to share and connect! And sometimes in the moment, especially in the form of poetry. But more often, I find that I love the thinking and reflecting first. I have found a comfort in the discomfort of the pause. Much of that work I do internally and share verbally with M….but one of the best parts of this journey is also having made friends to share with, friends that have become so dear to me. And I have this blog! This eye-opening, soul-feeding blog!

In this process, I’ve also found the freedom to listen to my voice and allow the creative parts of me to begin to flourish and grow. I experiment with words and forms, take risks, and let my vulnerable, raw voice speak. I share it with you. That’s an incredibly freeing feeling.

Now, my blog has become whatever I need it to be in that moment! If I need to process something, whether it’s specifically D/s related or not, I do. If I want or need to just follow my voice and my emotions, I do. If I want to share something of myself and connect, I do. If I need to breathe for a bit, I do. I do whatever feels right and good. That has attracted such a myriad of different people with as many differing interests, and that makes my heart full! I love that we can delve into the posts that speak to us and scroll past the ones which do not. Please know I never expect a single like or comment unless it has moved you to do so. Because my posts will likely continue to be all over the place: fun, erotic, D/s, life, huge feelings, prose, poetry, etc. I’m a happy, flowing mess! And I’m content with that. 

I guess what I’m also trying to say is thank you! Thank you to those of you who have been here from the beginning and to all of you who have joined my journey along the way. It’s my pleasure.

Wheeee!!