Recently, M and I went to our first (shibari) rope group and not long after that, we attended our first play party. These events were our first time venturing out into the kink community, and I’m so glad we did (more on that in another post). The coolest part is that it’s an extension of something M spoke to me about a couple of months ago…
Not long after M had his surgery this summer, he had an epiphany of sorts. He sat me down and said he’d realized some things about himself and wanted to share them with me. He went on to tell me he’d been holding back on acting on and sharing some of his desires, as he’d been slowly working through some preconceived notions and societal, engrained beliefs. Going so deep or far, in his mind, made him/us cross a line into “really kinky”, and he’d worried about continuing down that path, wondering how far and deep into these things that path might lead us. How deep does the rabbit hole go? Because the things we already do have continually evolved, continuously stretching and pushing our boundaries and evolving our limits.
Over the last 4 years or so, we’ve continually added and intensified, in so many ways, both in and out of the bedroom. I can’t even describe how amazing that journey has been; we’ve learned so much about one another and we’ve grown so much as a result. We continually feel like more – like more than we were the day before and the day before that. It is incredible. I’m constantly in awe.
M told me he knew we’d reached this place of having such a sure-footed foundation and such a high level of ongoing, two-way communication that he no longer worried about going too far or taking too many missteps, because he knew we’d talk the whole way through, just like we’ve been doing, and continue to grow in that process. There is no manipulation or hidden agenda from either of us, only trust, respect, and honesty. And because of that, he wants to continue to challenge us, to further explore, and deepen our relationship. He wants to go wherever we decide to go, together, with no feeling of restraint or residual, societal negativity present. If we are happy, that’s all that matters. Free to be ourselves. How amazing is that???
And since his surgery, there’s been this lightness, this happiness and fullness about him that makes my heart swell. He’s finally pain free, aside from some muscular soreness that should eventually subside. His brain is no longer cloudy and fighting to survive the day. Again, how amazing is that??
When he brought those things to me, I just listened. I was ecstatic to hear him sharing it all with me. Overwhelmed, in the best way. I didn’t push or ask him to further reveal anything; I figured he’d tell me when he felt it was right for us.
He began to slowly introduce ideas into our play, but I didn’t know they were linked to these desires. But, WOW. And more wow.
Then, a few months ago, he told me all the things he’d been fantasizing about and hoped could become a reality. Things like delving much deeper into rope, hopefully to suspension (we’ve only ever done floor work and partial suspension), trying an anal hook, attending community events, and some things involving voyeurism/exhibitionism.
One of the first things he asked me to do when he took control is to do things which he would watch/direct, so I knew how much he is visually stimulated. That has continually evolved as well; we frequently look at Tumblr together and share a blog for reposting things we like, talking about those things regularly. So, I wasn’t completely surprised when he told me he’d like to live out some of his voyeuristic and exhibitionist fantasies. He wants to begin to attend play parties and potentially go to club events, and he wants to play and participate at those events. There are times he wants to watch and direct certain activities. Although I wasn’t completely surprised, I also wasn’t expecting most of it.
Which is maybe the best part of all of this.
Although he’s shared so many desires and fantasies along the way, M felt he could be open enough to share those most vulnerable things with me, too, having worked through that process (he’s had a process and journey to travel over this time, too!) safely within the confines of this relationship we’ve built. Seriously, how fucking awesome is that?? I know I keep saying that, but I feel it, so deeply.
I love that we can share anything and everything. I love that we evolve. I love that we can travel this journey openly, sharing all our fantasies and desires, but also have the ability to discuss and consider all the subsequent possibilities of doing so. It feels very healthy not to just jump right in to every single thing that catches our interest without considering the ramifications, both physical and emotional. We are in no hurry; M feels very strongly about going at a pace, both in and out of the bedroom, that doesn’t completely overwhelm either of us, and also wants us to be safe and informed about the things in which we are engaging. So do I.
The first steps began with our ongoing talks. In fact, it’s almost all we talked about for weeks and weeks! We learn and experience, and talk some more. And on, and on.
Tonight, M and I will go to our second play party. Tonight, we will play. I will be nude in front of 50-100 of my closest strangers. (Gah!) But I’ll be doing it with him, my heart full of trust and my soul so full of happiness.
I am often jolted by this unbelievable feeling. I can’t even describe it. We get to continuously make real our desires. We get to experiment and find what fits and what does not. We get to take this journey, free to be ourselves.
I get to experience these new things with the love of my life.
Last time, I asked for you all to wish me luck. This time, although I am a bit nervous, I know I don’t need any luck. I trust him. I trust us.
I’m just going to leap….
–image found via Tumblr….one of my all time favorites!