she pushes people away
telling them all she’s ‘fine’

when all she really wants is a hug
and to be told it’s going to be okay

what she really wishes she could say
is that she’s a mess, too

and not feel such shame
for not being okay today

-image found on Tumblr; not my current state, just reflective

26 thoughts on “Messy 

      • Especially if you’re the one everyone turns to for help… You’re the strong one, the rock in the storm, the shoulder that gets cried on. Meanwhile, you need someone to be that for you!

      • Yes! But people aren’t mind readers, and we are not infallible. It’s been rough giving myself permission to be a mess, tired, overwhelmed, worn out, etc. It’s definitely easier, but I still struggle. I’m finding that having the vulnerability to be a mess and need others is pretty damn freeing. Scary as hell, too. But they get to see the real me, and that ads something amazing and intangible to the relationship!

      • It’s funny… I have an easier time (sometimes) letting myself real self show here amongst my WP friends than I do in real life. Less risk, I suppose. But when I think about it, I realize that my real world friends don’t ‘know’ me that well at all. And that is kind of sad, isn’t it?

      • No, I totally get that. It’s definitely easier in this medium, at least at first. We have to try out our courage! And I can relate to real world friends not knowing me well at all. I always sought to know people on a deep level, but found that many didn’t want that. I was lucky to find some who have to an extent, mostly in college, and I don’t see or talk to them anymore, and didn’t really much after graduation, for many reasons. I found that as I aged, making friends was more difficult. Riskier feeling. I was more insecure instead of less, for a long time, about a lot of things.

        The truth is, I don’t have many real life friends around me. None I see with any regularity, and none with whom I have a soul-deep relationship. The few I do have, I met through blogging, by being my real self here. It did feel less risky, but I also just had a voice that wanted to be heard, and also to listen. I suppose I was looking for others who were on a similar journey. Just being themselves. That’s harder to find out here. It takes so much time!

      • Ah, Kay were are in the same boat. I have plenty of ‘friends’ in real life but none of them are ‘soul-deep’ like you described. And perhaps a lot of that is my fault. Me not letting anyone get too close. Fear of being judged. Not conforming to a certain way of thinking. And I always feel under the surface that so many of my female friends are … struggling for the appropriate term … competitive? I don’t want that to sound like I feel like I’m worthy of competing against. More like not sharing your joys. I don’t even mention my writing to my real world friends anymore. And no one asks. That used to hurt. I’ve shelved it with other disappointments and moved on. Geez, Kay, I’m sorry for clogging up your comments!

      • Yes to all of that!! I wouldn’t think you were saying that. Friends should share joys and sorrows, without judgment. Unconditional love is hard to find. Hell, it’s not always easy to give! Or receive for that matter. But I wish to try. That makes me sad that your friends don’t ask. I’m so happy you share that here. I want to know!

        I don’t want you to be sorry! These conversations right here are the reason I’m here. Without them, I’d probably just handwrite in my journal. Thank you for sharing with me.

  1. (((hugz you tight))) I am a mess myself these days Kay… we are going to be okay though, we are,we are, we ARE! just…keep….swimmmmmming…..

    • Thank you, Devonne! Hugs right back! I’m sorry things are messy right now. I’m actually doing well, but I’m always a mess! Lol. It’s taken me a very long time to be comfortable with that. I’m emotional and sensitive and that’s both wonderful/freeing and overwhelming at times. I do have a hard time at times asking for help or voicing when I’m overwhelmed in the moment, but I’m getting there. Much love to you!

  2. Kay, great poem, “Messy” is spot on. When I read this I can’t help think about the attributes of perfectionism, and how hard it can be to show an imperfect self. Wishing you a terrific evening and a wonderful weekend ahead. ~ Mia

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