Sacred

Yesterday I wrote about experiencing a frenzy and honeymoon stage, and that our experience has been that the most profound and organic growth has happened in the time since that phase of things. That honeymoon was a necessary part of our awakening, but we had to slow and continue to allow for our relationship to be a priority in our lives amidst the bustle of normal life. That’s the only way it’s sustainable, and we both wish to live this deeply and vulnerably connected forever.

Living in this deeply vulnerable way fulfills us both in a way nothing else ever has – it’s our backbone. The only way to be truly loved is to be known, in my opinion, and that’s exactly what we are doing – allowing ourselves to be known and consistently making the effort to know one another. In doing so, M has been able grow in his unique leadership and I in my surrender, and we have had to constantly communicate and receive in order to know and be known. Profound isn’t even a word that summarizes the process. It’s not always easy but it’s worth every ounce of work.

Knowing M, being a part of his growth, and experiencing his evolution in our relationship mesmerizes me and fulfills me in the most soul-deep way. I asked for this, so I had to allow him to step up to the metaphorical plate, which included (still includes as we grow) him deciding what the plate looked like and me accepting the plate. That’s when the profound stuff happens. It’s truly magical.

Our growth and evolution has taken many forms, of which sexuality is one. We consistently communicate openly and vulnerably about ourselves and our sexual desires. For a long while, my desires and wants exceeded his – I’d had the time to read and think and it’s all I thought about for a long time. While M wasn’t blindsided, because we’d had some discussions, he also hadn’t had much exposure, and we weren’t as vulnerably open as we are now. Much of it was new to him and being so vulnerable was something we’d grown into and were still growing. Also, I wanted to sprint and he wanted to walk. I had to learn to walk, too, and trust in the process, in him. That’s what I’d signed up for!

We began to walk, together. There came a point where our desires seemed to even out, where we’d tried much of that initial pool of things on my ‘list’ as well as things from his as he grew and found what fit. We tried things in different ways, adding our own spin on it all, making it our own. We integrated it into life as life allowed. We allowed ourselves to settle into it, while continually talking about new things on the horizon. Sometimes new toys or new activities made their way into our repertoire. None of it was ever solely about sex – it was about our growth in these roles, in our evolution as a partnership, in our vulnerability and acceptance, and our open communication. It was about trust. I had to truly trust him to lead and walk alongside him, following him. He had to trust I’d speak up for myself and never lose that voice. The foundation of trust we have created is unbelievable, and absolutely necessary.

That trust lead to a level of comfort and freedom that has opened so many doors for us. M began to bring up for discussion lists of things I never imagined he desired. Hell, I wasn’t sure I did; I hadn’t considered many of them. They weren’t even on my radar. The tables turned while I walked alongside him, and it’s unreal. The feeling is unreal. I’m often awestruck. Now many of those things on that list are things in which we regularly engage. Some we’ve tried, some we have just began dipping our toes in the water, and others we may never try. Some are on my hard limit list. And this same process applies to the other areas of our lives, not just our sexuality. This will constantly evolve. That’s the best part!

The thing is, THIS is the feeling I dreamt of years ago. And it’s this simple place of walking at a pace that allows us to enjoy every moment of knowing one another, of evolution with M leading, of trust that allows us to explore our desires together.

It’s a sacred place, for which I’m grateful every day.

Home

Behind the soft brown scarf, she could see nothing but blackness. The precise squeeze on her nipples and the pinpointed pinch on her clit were just the right amount of pain-pleasure to keep her on edge. Arms cuffed above her head and legs tied with the prickly jute, calf to thigh, she was completely exposed to him, in more than flesh. Butterflies swirling in her belly, she folded into her smallness, anticipating him.

Her hearing hyper-aware, she picked up on the slight tinking of the metal pulls being lifted, then the gritty slide of wood against wood as he opened the red wood drawer. She knew which drawer it was as soon as she heard its uneven slide – it was the drawer of impact implements, and her heart began to race.

As she lay there waiting, breathing already a bit labored, the mini clothespins on her nipples were quickly becoming the center of her world, so much so that she forgot about the impact until she felt the whoosh of air, followed by the first landing. His releasing of the clothespin from her clit had caused a surge of blissful agony, followed by an engorged ache which thumped to the beat of her heart. It was so sensitive, she could feel even the slightest shift in the air, so the crop’s swift strike brought about a guttural, almost panicky scream. Oh, God. She knew there’d be more. And more.

The strikes came, in a quick rhythm, one after the other while he watched her face contort and her back arch in love-hate of every single strike. In that moment, her entire being focused on the sound of the crop on her tender, swollen skin, on the delicious, rhythmic pain on her clit and the glorious pinching of her nipples. 

Landing harder and harder, the strikes came in rapid succession, until he stopped, abruptly, leaving a silence that was just as loud as noise.

In her stillness, she heard the click of a button and a simultaneous buzz – she knew that noise! Oh, God, she knew. 

Strike, buzz, strike, buzz. Over and over. Again and again. 

There was nothing else, only he and her, the pinch and the strike and the buzz.

Layers of pain-pleasure flowed, one on top of the other, like conflicting currents, flooding her brain. Feeling the overwhelming evidence of her arousal, cool against the heat of each landing, she could even hear her wetness with each strike of the crop and pressing of the buzz.

Desperate for release, the humming in her center flowed outward to her surface, consuming her. It was all she could taste, all she could smell. She felt like she needed it more than she needed to breathe. The coil he had wound so deeply in her core was so tight, it pulled at her skin. It clenched every muscle and clamped shut her eyelids. She was afraid of its impending intensity; she was afraid of letting it go. 

But, it wasn’t a choice.

Ripping and slicing through her entire body, her orgasm took over. It was viscous and glorious and painfully heavenly, causing her to writhe and struggle against the restraints. The grunting and moaning sounds coming from the back of her throat didn’t even sound like her.

When she finally began to float back to earth, he pushed inside her, grinding and slamming into the puffy ache, pain-pleasure rocketing her body right back to the same heightened state from which she thought she’d returned, and then beyond. And further. Until he’d taken all he wanted from her.

Removing the scarf, he looked her in the eyes. All she saw was his dominance reflecting her surrender. Infinite love.

She saw home.

-image found on Tumblr, source unknown; included in Matsurbation Monday, week 130

Sin

I kissed a beautiful girl
and I liked it,
she tasted much better
than cherry Chapstick

her lips were sweet-hot
like ripe-honeyed fire,
and her tongue did this swirly thing
in my mouth, a live-wire

she had velveteen skin
I couldn’t stop touching,
and when it met mine,
fingers were clutching

draping in waves
over sun kissed shoulders,
melon-y blond tresses
invited necks kisses that smoldered

and that baby skin soft spot
just behind her ear,
smelled just like raindrops
I swear I could hear

‘would you do it again?’,
you ask with coy grin,
of course I would,
she tasted like sin

-image credit grayscalegalleryltd.co.uk, via google images

Whimper

‘stay quiet, love’

his tracing fingers glide downward, knowingly, a well traveled route on the map of her flesh, a living, breathing map he created, he her cartographer, charting and plotting, committing her to memory, creasing and folding in all the right places

mesmerized, his entirety is focused on her responsiveness to him; in an instant, goosebumps rise to meet his touch, a shivering ripple, a wave of eagerness summoned to her surface by the barely contained vibrations from his recent strumming with the canes and floggers, every hiss and buzz, each whack and thwack reverberating, she the oscillation to his thrumming

instinctively, her eyes close and her mouth falls open in a savoring exhale, as she’s reminded of the heavenly hum of the rope, of the way his nimble fingers wound the jute, ‘round and ’round, it’s prickly tightness setting her free

continuing the deliberate strums with his fingers, paired with an airy bass of whispers in her ears, he watches for her body to respond in chorus, reveling in his ability to pluck here or there and illicit the desired response

flooded with a wave after wave of arousal, she’s overwhelmed in him; it’s as if each individual goosebump forming is a silent scream, her body crying out to him, alive in him, begging for him

and all she can do, is whimper

– Shared in response to Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie  Tale Weaver prompt, also shared as part of Masturbation Monday 141

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The Librarian, Part 1

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“Excuse me, Ma’am?”

Fumbling behind the counter, the librarian quickly tried to act like nothing was going on.

Fuck! Can he see the blushing on my cheeks?

“How can I help you?,” she asked a little too quickly.

“I need to pay my fine.”

“Sure. May I see your card?”

Taking his card, she quickly looked up his account. He handed her the money, and without making too much eye contact, she gave him his change.

“Thank you. Have a great day,” she said with a nervous smile as he turned to walk away.

It felt like every patron knew that she had been stealing glances at Tumblr on her iPhone all afternoon long.

Do they notice the impatient squeezing of my thighs, as I try like hell to alleviate some of the throbbing pressure between my legs? 

Momentarily embarrassed, she felt how wet her panties were and realized she could smell her own arousal soaking through.

God, I’m at work, what am I thinking?

Yet, with each step she took, there was that chilly, wet reminder. The worst part was, it was making her even more turned on.

In a desperate attempt to get her mind back on her work, she went to the table area to see if there were any books needing to be re-shelved. It was then that she saw him. Felt him.

Oh, my, he’s beautiful.

His look caught her eye, to be sure, but it was more than that. His energy was heavy hheat in the air, instantly giving her goosebumps. As she walked closer, her chest tightened, her breathing becoming shallow and quick.

What is wrong with me? He’s just a guy!

But this feeling told her he wasn’t just a guy. There was something about him that made her want to feel things – his hands around her waist, his chest pressed against her own, his whiskers against her cheek as he whispered in her ear…..

It felt as if she already knew what he’d say when he whispered to her; as if he already knew her. She had to meet him. She had to hear his voice, see his eyes.

Luckily, there was a loose book on the edge of the table at which he was sitting, so she slowly made her way over, not yet trying to draw any attention. Just as she neared the opposite side of the table, he looked up from his paperwork. Briefly, he looked into her eyes, and her belly began doing backflips, but there was no doubt this man had lowered his eyes and was now staring at her chest.

Oh, shit! Am I disappointed? How could I be disappointed at his looking at my chest if I don’t even know him? 

It was crazy, she new, but she felt like she did know him, needed to know him. She was drawn to him, despite the fact he wasn’t trying to hide that he was admiring her tits. Maybe because of it.

Almost as if he had been hypnotized, his head snapped up, looking her squarely in the eyes, and he smiled, and unashamed smile.

Those eyes, oh God. And that smile – I could look at it all day long. Is that cockiness or confidence?

As her mind wandered, mesmerized, she accidentally knocked the book from the table to the floor. Without hesitation, she bent over just a little too far to pick up that book, knowing he’d have no choice but to look. She wondered if he’d notice how wet her panties were.

Actually, she hoped he’d notice.

-Image by Marcus Ross, found on Pinterest. This is an excerpt reworked from an old story, and shared again as part of Masturbation Monday. I realize the ‘naughty librarian’ thing has totally been overdone, but I couldn’t help it. I think I was a librarian in another life. Subsequent parts will be shared weekly. Hope you enjoy!

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The Truth Is


The truth is, I don’t need you. I can do this on my own. All of it. I am strong or soft, steadfast or pliant, cautious or free-falling, whatever I need to be to make it. I can live this life; it’s shown me I can survive. Vulnerably, even. This is my truth.

But, I want you. I want you so badly it consumes me. My soul yearns for yours on a level I didn’t know existed before you, and that only increases with time. We are inexplicably connected, you and I, and we always will be.

Not only do I want you, but I choose you. Actively. I choose you every moment of every day, no matter the moment. In sorrow and joy, pain and pleasure, anger and gratitude. During hands-in-the-air excitement and when overwhelmingly tired. Amidst it all, I choose you, with me. To be with me, and I with you. For you. Your smile gives my heart’s beating new meaning. 

Even when my struggle against myself pushes you away, I want you. In fact, that’s when I want you the most. I want to give you my trust on a soul-deep level, one that always lets you in. I choose to. You’ve earned it.

And, the thing is, I don’t want to just survive. I want to flourish. I will always challenge myself to grow and let go, whether it’s for you or not. I need to do this, it’s my nature. I long to be free, to be more and more me. To be. But with you, my soul soars freer. It’s so safe in your arms, I’m able to fly higher. And higher. 

You are my home. 

I wake, elated to be next to you. I revel in your touch, in your praise, and feeling you wanting me back gives my spirit new purpose. I want to love you with all that I am and hold nothing back. I want to surrender. More and more and more. Being a part of your happiness fulfills my soul. I want to do that for the rest of my life. 

You are my salvation. We are my church.

I don’t need you, but my heart and my spirit and my soul choose YOU. I want YOU. I freely choose to give myself to you. You deserve all I have to offer. 

I’m yours.

-image credit Tumblr

Jumping In (Our Way)

*MATURE CONTENT 

Several weeks ago, M and I went to our first play party. We had no idea what to expect, aside from the community organization’s description and pics of the space that were offered online. We didn’t know anyone in the community yet; we’d only attended one rope group and nothing else. 

And there’s a lot to consider in deciding to go! How it could potentially impact our lives if we are outed, the exposure and vulnerability in being naked (me) and playing in front of others (us), the trying to make friends, what we expect to get out of it, developing rules and expectations between the two of us beforehand, and so much more. I think one of the biggest things is being unsure about what part of fantasy is meant to become reality and what should remain fantasy. 

We talked so much in the months before going, wrapping our heads around it all. One doesn’t know for certain which is to remain fantasy and what may become reality until one gets out there and begins to experiment…

So we jumped in.

The first play party was overwhelming, in both good and not so good ways. It’s impossible not to have expectations and visions of what it might be like – how it will look and feel, both the physical space as well as the atmosphere, in the group setting, as a couple, and as individuals. We did some reading online, and openly discussed ours beforehand, which was very helpful. 

No matter what sort of talking we did, there  were still a bazillion things to see and hear and take in at once. Above all, right away, it was the most freeing thing to walk into a room with people who are so open and accepting, who celebrate free sexual expression. The apparatus was fantastic as well; there were many stations and endless possibilities. We walked around, looked, and touched it all. We watched others play. It was exciting – an emotional and sensory playground in so many ways. And the single biggest thing I noticed right away is that no one there was body conscious. No one I saw! It was wonderful. The acceptance and freedom was unbelievable.

Other things weren’t so great feeling. The loud techno music was wearing on me after a while. There was also this feeling – a feeling that many interactions were missing a connected, erotic charge. I mean, they were having fun, but it seemed sort of coldish or disconnected in many instances. It also wasn’t very social, in that we didn’t talk to many people. And I hadn’t needed all that lingerie I bought, because most wore street clothes and just took them off to play (bottoms). 

We did not play this time. We watched and talked, and talked and watched. We took it all in.

It took a while to process it all together, and it was pretty overwhelming that night. We were both overflowing with input and measuring what we saw and felt against what we’d expected, as well as how the atmosphere and experiences could possibly meet our needs and desires.

After a lot of talking, we knew we wanted to go again. We knew some of the things we didn’t love or had perceived the way we did had to do with our own expectations and notions, and by filtering it all through our own narrow filters. We saw acceptance in ourselves. We saw possibility, in many forms. 

A couple weeks later we went again. The second time was much different; we knew better what to expect, and having processed the input as well as possible, we could process more in the moment. Some of the off things that we felt the first time, we didn’t as much the second time, and that probably had to do with not being so inundated with new feelings and information all at once, every single second!

There was a warmer atmosphere, but there were also fewer people, which was nice. The interactions didn’t feel so cold in many instances, and that was partly because we adjusted our perceptions. There will always be some people who are there to play who seek connections in much different ways than what we have or want. There are people into all sorts of things, free to experiment and live out their desires. That is the beauty of being in an accepting environment, having the freedom to do just that! I even wore something on top that was revealing by my standards and felt (mostly) comfortable! 

After being there for a while, talking to a couple people, and watching some play, M decided we’d play. He chose a spanking bench, which was a beautifully crafted and comfortable piece of wooden furniture with pads.

M was pleasantly surprised at how easily I stripped off my clothes and was ready for him as he unpacked his bag. He buckled on my collar, told me he loved me and asked if I was ready. Although I was a bit nervous, I was ready. Very much so.

It was intense and surreal. Tiring and exhilarating.

Although I didn’t register it fully in the moment, a small cluster of people gathered near our bench to talk and watch. We played hard and connected like we always do. The change of venue didn’t inhibit that at all. 

It was unbelievable. 

Our community has a party every month, and we are going again next weekend. He intends to play again. Woot woot! 

It’s so freaking exciting to be traveling this journey with M! We don’t know exactly where we are heading, but that’s half the fun. We are enjoying the ride!

-image found via google images, free getty images

 
 

Threshold, a Quadrille

you and I, wowed,
alone amidst the crowd,
music wicked loud,
but we don’t hear it

unknown eyes viewing,
your instruments a’cueing,
release a’brewing,
I tremble for you

bared to and bearing for,
from pit of soul, giving more,
stepping through another door,
together

-created in response to the Dverse Quadrille prompt, cue, and image found via Tumblr

To Infinity, and Beyond….

Recently, M and I went to our first (shibari) rope group and not long after that, we attended our first play party. These events were our first time venturing out into the kink community, and I’m so glad we did (more on that in another post). The coolest part is that it’s an extension of something M spoke to me about a couple of months ago…

Not long after M had his surgery this summer, he had an epiphany of sorts. He sat me down and said he’d realized some things about himself and wanted to share them with me. He went on to tell me he’d been holding back on acting on and sharing some of his desires, as he’d been slowly working through some preconceived notions and societal, engrained beliefs. Going so deep or far, in his mind, made him/us cross a line into “really kinky”, and he’d worried about continuing down that path, wondering how far and deep into these things that path might lead us. How deep does the rabbit hole go? Because the things we already do have continually evolved, continuously stretching and pushing our boundaries and evolving our limits. 

Over the last 4 years or so, we’ve continually added and intensified, in so many ways, both in and out of the bedroom. I can’t even describe how amazing that journey has been; we’ve learned so much about one another and we’ve grown so much as a result. We continually feel like more – like more than we were the day before and the day before that. It is incredible. I’m constantly in awe.

M told me he knew we’d reached this place of having such a sure-footed foundation and such a high level of ongoing, two-way communication that he no longer worried about going too far or taking too many missteps, because he knew we’d talk the whole way through, just like we’ve been doing, and continue to grow in that process. There is no manipulation or hidden agenda from either of us, only trust, respect, and honesty. And because of that, he wants to continue to challenge us, to further explore, and deepen our relationship. He wants to go wherever we decide to go, together, with no feeling of restraint or residual, societal negativity present. If we are happy, that’s all that matters. Free to be ourselves. How amazing is that???

And since his surgery, there’s been this lightness, this happiness and fullness about him that makes my heart swell. He’s finally pain free, aside from some muscular soreness that should eventually subside. His brain is no longer cloudy and fighting to survive the day. Again, how amazing is that?? 

When he brought those things to me, I just listened. I was ecstatic to hear him sharing it all with me. Overwhelmed, in the best way. I didn’t push or ask him to further reveal anything; I figured he’d tell me when he felt it was right for us. 

He began to slowly introduce ideas into our play, but I didn’t know they were linked to these desires. But, WOW. And more wow. 

Then, a few months ago, he told me all the things he’d been fantasizing about and hoped could become a reality. Things like delving much deeper into rope, hopefully to suspension (we’ve only ever done floor work and partial suspension), trying an anal hook, attending community events, and some things involving voyeurism/exhibitionism.

One of the first things he asked me to do when he took control is to do things which he would watch/direct, so I knew how much he is visually stimulated. That has continually evolved as well; we frequently look at Tumblr together and share a blog for reposting things we like, talking about those things regularly. So, I wasn’t completely surprised when he told me he’d like to live out some of his voyeuristic and exhibitionist fantasies. He wants to begin to attend play parties and potentially go to club events, and he wants to play and participate at those events. There are times he wants to watch and direct certain activities. Although I wasn’t completely surprised, I also wasn’t expecting most of it. 

Which is maybe the best part of all of this. 

Although he’s shared so many desires and fantasies along the way, M felt he could be open enough to share those most vulnerable things with me, too, having worked through that process (he’s had a process and journey to travel over this time, too!) safely within the confines of this relationship we’ve built. Seriously, how fucking awesome is that?? I know I keep saying that, but I feel it, so deeply. 

I love that we can share anything and everything. I love that we evolve. I love that we can travel this journey openly, sharing all our fantasies and desires, but also have the ability to discuss and consider all the subsequent possibilities of doing so. It feels very healthy not to just jump right in to every single thing that catches our interest without considering the ramifications, both physical and emotional. We are in no hurry; M feels very strongly about going at a pace, both in and out of the bedroom, that doesn’t completely overwhelm either of us, and also wants us to be safe and informed about the things in which we are engaging. So do I.

The first steps began with our ongoing talks. In fact, it’s almost all we talked about for weeks and weeks! We learn and experience, and talk some more. And on, and on. 

Tonight, M and I will go to our second play party. Tonight, we will play. I will be nude in front of 50-100 of my closest strangers. (Gah!) But I’ll be doing it with him, my heart full of trust and my soul so full of happiness. 

I am often jolted by this unbelievable feeling. I can’t even describe it. We get to continuously make real our desires. We get to experiment and find what fits and what does not. We get to take this journey, free to be ourselves. 

I get to experience these new things with the love of my life. 

Last time, I asked for you all to wish me luck. This time, although I am a bit nervous, I know I don’t need any luck. I trust him. I trust us.

I’m just going to leap….

image found via Tumblr….one of my all time favorites!

Whee!!

This blog has evolved quite a bit for me. It’s been almost three years since I opened it here in WP, and a little over three since I joined the online world of blogging. 

Three years ago it began as a diary, mostly as a means to reflect and sort my thoughts as my husband and I began a journey deeper than we’d ever gone before. I don’t care much for the boxes in which labels place people, but for explanation purposes, we began to follow a natural path of D/s, one in which life lead us. And while that is a large part of me and us as a whole, it is by no means a definition of the whole, even though it’s impact can be seen in all the parts. As such, I have always shared parts of my whole life, journaling as I experienced them and reflect upon them. The freedom to be myself and the processes involved encompass every part of me and my life. Those expressions have come in the form of both prose and poetry and everything in between.

The more I learn about myself and the more M and I grow and evolve, the less I’ve needed to process in the form of prose. I know now, part of my sharing was also a desperate need to connect with other human beings. I crave that connectedness, that deep human contact. And once I began to experience that, it was so very profound. I knew instantly it was something huge, a puzzle piece in my life that had been missing. I was afraid to lose it. I often wondered if I slowed down, would people go away? If I began to share more and more parts of me, would people be less interested? And so on. I needed validation, too. To not feel so alone at times, or so crazy even. In the process, I met some people I became very close with, and wondered and sought similar things in those relationships. Being this vulnerable and exposed was new to me. But I vowed to not lose it, to continue the journey, and it has meant continuing to challenge those insecure thoughts and feelings, in writing, and even being honest and sharing them with the ones I care about. That honesty has proven to be such an incredible building block. And I don’t think I’ll ever want to be without this deep human contact, in many forms. 

Over time, I’ve also begun to find a comfort I can’t describe in being alone with whatever thoughts have compelled me to reach out first or to seek validation or camaraderie before I’ve fully sat with those thoughts and emotions. I still love to share and connect! And sometimes in the moment, especially in the form of poetry. But more often, I find that I love the thinking and reflecting first. I have found a comfort in the discomfort of the pause. Much of that work I do internally and share verbally with M….but one of the best parts of this journey is also having made friends to share with, friends that have become so dear to me. And I have this blog! This eye-opening, soul-feeding blog!

In this process, I’ve also found the freedom to listen to my voice and allow the creative parts of me to begin to flourish and grow. I experiment with words and forms, take risks, and let my vulnerable, raw voice speak. I share it with you. That’s an incredibly freeing feeling.

Now, my blog has become whatever I need it to be in that moment! If I need to process something, whether it’s specifically D/s related or not, I do. If I want or need to just follow my voice and my emotions, I do. If I want to share something of myself and connect, I do. If I need to breathe for a bit, I do. I do whatever feels right and good. That has attracted such a myriad of different people with as many differing interests, and that makes my heart full! I love that we can delve into the posts that speak to us and scroll past the ones which do not. Please know I never expect a single like or comment unless it has moved you to do so. Because my posts will likely continue to be all over the place: fun, erotic, D/s, life, huge feelings, prose, poetry, etc. I’m a happy, flowing mess! And I’m content with that. 

I guess what I’m also trying to say is thank you! Thank you to those of you who have been here from the beginning and to all of you who have joined my journey along the way. It’s my pleasure.

Wheeee!!