Yesterday I wrote about experiencing a frenzy and honeymoon stage, and that our experience has been that the most profound and organic growth has happened in the time since that phase of things. That honeymoon was a necessary part of our awakening, but we had to slow and continue to allow for our relationship to be a priority in our lives amidst the bustle of normal life. That’s the only way it’s sustainable, and we both wish to live this deeply and vulnerably connected forever.
Living in this deeply vulnerable way fulfills us both in a way nothing else ever has – it’s our backbone. The only way to be truly loved is to be known, in my opinion, and that’s exactly what we are doing – allowing ourselves to be known and consistently making the effort to know one another. In doing so, M has been able grow in his unique leadership and I in my surrender, and we have had to constantly communicate and receive in order to know and be known. Profound isn’t even a word that summarizes the process. It’s not always easy but it’s worth every ounce of work.
Knowing M, being a part of his growth, and experiencing his evolution in our relationship mesmerizes me and fulfills me in the most soul-deep way. I asked for this, so I had to allow him to step up to the metaphorical plate, which included (still includes as we grow) him deciding what the plate looked like and me accepting the plate. That’s when the profound stuff happens. It’s truly magical.
Our growth and evolution has taken many forms, of which sexuality is one. We consistently communicate openly and vulnerably about ourselves and our sexual desires. For a long while, my desires and wants exceeded his – I’d had the time to read and think and it’s all I thought about for a long time. While M wasn’t blindsided, because we’d had some discussions, he also hadn’t had much exposure, and we weren’t as vulnerably open as we are now. Much of it was new to him and being so vulnerable was something we’d grown into and were still growing. Also, I wanted to sprint and he wanted to walk. I had to learn to walk, too, and trust in the process, in him. That’s what I’d signed up for!
We began to walk, together. There came a point where our desires seemed to even out, where we’d tried much of that initial pool of things on my ‘list’ as well as things from his as he grew and found what fit. We tried things in different ways, adding our own spin on it all, making it our own. We integrated it into life as life allowed. We allowed ourselves to settle into it, while continually talking about new things on the horizon. Sometimes new toys or new activities made their way into our repertoire. None of it was ever solely about sex – it was about our growth in these roles, in our evolution as a partnership, in our vulnerability and acceptance, and our open communication. It was about trust. I had to truly trust him to lead and walk alongside him, following him. He had to trust I’d speak up for myself and never lose that voice. The foundation of trust we have created is unbelievable, and absolutely necessary.
That trust lead to a level of comfort and freedom that has opened so many doors for us. M began to bring up for discussion lists of things I never imagined he desired. Hell, I wasn’t sure I did; I hadn’t considered many of them. They weren’t even on my radar. The tables turned while I walked alongside him, and it’s unreal. The feeling is unreal. I’m often awestruck. Now many of those things on that list are things in which we regularly engage. Some we’ve tried, some we have just began dipping our toes in the water, and others we may never try. Some are on my hard limit list. And this same process applies to the other areas of our lives, not just our sexuality. This will constantly evolve. That’s the best part!
The thing is, THIS is the feeling I dreamt of years ago. And it’s this simple place of walking at a pace that allows us to enjoy every moment of knowing one another, of evolution with M leading, of trust that allows us to explore our desires together.
It’s a sacred place, for which I’m grateful every day.