Overcome

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she stood there, shivering,
although she wasn’t cold,
arms at her sides,
just as he’d asked,
fighting her natural urge
to cross her arms in front of her,
hiding her bulgy spots

hungry eyes admired her,
for much longer than she’d expected,
stripping her,
her nakedness far deeper than flesh

but, that voice in her head was so loud,
the one begging him,
hoping and wanting,
telling her what she needed,
pulling at her attention,
the attention he deserved

she didn’t know it,
but he intently watched
the struggle unfold within her,
welling in her eyes,
but refusing to release

he’d like to say he didn’t love it,
that forcing her to overcome herself
wasn’t so damn satisfying

but it was,
oh, God, it was,
for them both,
although it wasn’t always easy

nothing worth having is easy,
they say,
and she was worth the effort,
his everything,
so, he’d make her fight,
with a smile, even,
loving every minute of it

he’d lead her straight to him

kissing her with gentle lips,
down the nape of her neck
and across her shoulders,
he wound the jute,
‘round and ‘round and ‘round

the crazy thing was,
she wished in that moment
she could peel off her skin
and step out of it –
scream a guttural cry,
melt and allow herself to easily
be re-molded

for, who she was inside right then,
wasn’t who she was,
nor who she wanted to be –
not any more, dammit,
but she needed to
embrace that part of her,
quiet her

overcome her

the soft, suede flogger
struck her breasts,
again and again,
waxing and waning in strength,
in a rhythm all his own,
but never quite hard enough
to make her recoil,
which is what she loved
(needed, she thought)

that voice in her head
begged for more,
harder,
and harder,
please,
oh, please

oh, please,
break me

and he did,
he broke her

he broke her, not with force,
but when he looked into those teary eyes,
and did exactly what he wanted,
paying no attention
to what she thought she needed

and though it seemed completely
ass-backward from the outside looking in,
that was exactly what she needed,
to fit once again
in her skin

in his arms,
his

-image via Tumblr

A Step Further

Allowing things to develop organically and building a foundation of soul-deep trust has been necessary for us. That trust has a basis in communication that allows for the safest place for us to grow and evolve, one that doesn’t put our relationship at risk as we do. It is allows us the freedom to explore our desires and natures, and to build upon and expand them.

Over the last year or so, we’ve explored in ways I hadn’t ever imagined we would. M has done so much exploration within himself, has owned his unique dominance, and has grown and evolved so much. I’ve done the same in my surrender. We’ve shared all of this together, and it’s the been the most amazing process.

The trust and closeness that’s resulted has enabled us to find the courage to venture out into the community, and we have attended rope class and play parties over the past year. M does an incredible job keeping us at a pace that allows us the space to process, both individually and together. We don’t rush into anything, he would never allow it. We back off when we need to, and try new things when we’re ready.

Safe, sane, and consensual is necessaey – but we need a step further. We want to positively feed as well as protect our relationship beyond the immediate fun. That’s why we are on this journey in the first place! It’s the end goal, the forever goal. Period. So, we communicate through every activity, before, during, and after, with honesty. We discuss any possibly damaging scenarios ahead of time and never jump into any potentially damaging scenarios in the moment, which is he best policy for us. We also never agree to anything just to make the other happy. Yes, I trust him, I want to make him happy, and I wish to serve him, but I would NEVER engage in anything I thought would damage me or damage our relationship. Neither would he.

There isn’t a single act that’s worth that. Not one.

Sacred

Yesterday I wrote about experiencing a frenzy and honeymoon stage, and that our experience has been that the most profound and organic growth has happened in the time since that phase of things. That honeymoon was a necessary part of our awakening, but we had to slow and continue to allow for our relationship to be a priority in our lives amidst the bustle of normal life. That’s the only way it’s sustainable, and we both wish to live this deeply and vulnerably connected forever.

Living in this deeply vulnerable way fulfills us both in a way nothing else ever has – it’s our backbone. The only way to be truly loved is to be known, in my opinion, and that’s exactly what we are doing – allowing ourselves to be known and consistently making the effort to know one another. In doing so, M has been able grow in his unique leadership and I in my surrender, and we have had to constantly communicate and receive in order to know and be known. Profound isn’t even a word that summarizes the process. It’s not always easy but it’s worth every ounce of work.

Knowing M, being a part of his growth, and experiencing his evolution in our relationship mesmerizes me and fulfills me in the most soul-deep way. I asked for this, so I had to allow him to step up to the metaphorical plate, which included (still includes as we grow) him deciding what the plate looked like and me accepting the plate. That’s when the profound stuff happens. It’s truly magical.

Our growth and evolution has taken many forms, of which sexuality is one. We consistently communicate openly and vulnerably about ourselves and our sexual desires. For a long while, my desires and wants exceeded his – I’d had the time to read and think and it’s all I thought about for a long time. While M wasn’t blindsided, because we’d had some discussions, he also hadn’t had much exposure, and we weren’t as vulnerably open as we are now. Much of it was new to him and being so vulnerable was something we’d grown into and were still growing. Also, I wanted to sprint and he wanted to walk. I had to learn to walk, too, and trust in the process, in him. That’s what I’d signed up for!

We began to walk, together. There came a point where our desires seemed to even out, where we’d tried much of that initial pool of things on my ‘list’ as well as things from his as he grew and found what fit. We tried things in different ways, adding our own spin on it all, making it our own. We integrated it into life as life allowed. We allowed ourselves to settle into it, while continually talking about new things on the horizon. Sometimes new toys or new activities made their way into our repertoire. None of it was ever solely about sex – it was about our growth in these roles, in our evolution as a partnership, in our vulnerability and acceptance, and our open communication. It was about trust. I had to truly trust him to lead and walk alongside him, following him. He had to trust I’d speak up for myself and never lose that voice. The foundation of trust we have created is unbelievable, and absolutely necessary.

That trust lead to a level of comfort and freedom that has opened so many doors for us. M began to bring up for discussion lists of things I never imagined he desired. Hell, I wasn’t sure I did; I hadn’t considered many of them. They weren’t even on my radar. The tables turned while I walked alongside him, and it’s unreal. The feeling is unreal. I’m often awestruck. Now many of those things on that list are things in which we regularly engage. Some we’ve tried, some we have just began dipping our toes in the water, and others we may never try. Some are on my hard limit list. And this same process applies to the other areas of our lives, not just our sexuality. This will constantly evolve. That’s the best part!

The thing is, THIS is the feeling I dreamt of years ago. And it’s this simple place of walking at a pace that allows us to enjoy every moment of knowing one another, of evolution with M leading, of trust that allows us to explore our desires together.

It’s a sacred place, for which I’m grateful every day.

That’s Life

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I was the one who asked for us to take this journey – it was a logical next step for us. I proceeded to do a crazy amount of reading and research, and because my own personal journey was intertwined with this one, I’d had the time to think about it all. It’s all I thought about for a long time. M had to do all of that at his own pace and I had to allow for that. I had to offer him all I had to give while allowing for him to find what he desired, how he wished to lead, what he wished to ask for and receive. There was a period of rapid awakening in us both, doors being flung open and sheer excitement abound. It was a necessary part of the journey.

What we’ve found after more than four years, is that it was necessary for that to slow so we could get to the meat of things. So we could truly dive into the deep things that make us who we are, both individually and together. We found that in some instances I was expecting more of myself than he did, and I had to let go of those expectations of both myself and of him. In so many other instances, his desires and leadership have taken direction I never imagined, continue to do so, and I’m often challenged. In order to discover these things, we had to allow things to take their natural course amidst our daily lives, which include jobs, responsibilities, children, bills, home projects, sickness and surgeries, and on. That’s life: it doesn’t stop for us.

I believe the most profound and organic evolutions to our relationship have happened in the time since that frantic honeymoon phase. Settling in, trusting in one another, and having a dedication to continual growth and communication have been the catalyst. Trusting in our process has been the key, even when life seemingly works against us or it feels as though it’s slowing things or feeling stagnant.

Because, again, that’s life. It’s not all honeymoon and frenzy, and it takes every day commitment to the work of being in a deeply vulnerable relationship if it’s meant to be deep and vulnerable long-term. That’s where the most profound opportunities lie – in everyday life. In REAL life. That’s the only way this is sustainable for us – if we can customize it to work for us, everyday, amidst the bustle of everyday life, building a foundation for tomorrow, and not speeding to some fantastical end that misses out on so many opportunities to know one another. Because that’s the only way to see clearly the truest versions of ourselves, the best versions of ourselves.

-image via Tumblr

Home

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This journey has taught me many unexpected things. What began as a journey of self discovery, morphed into one of relationship transformation for M and I. That shared journey, not just the past four years, but the last 25, has been a source of strength and support beyond measure. It’s one reason I am where I am today. Who I am.

I belong with M. There’s zero doubt. He’s my home. He’s my support, my shoulder, my lap, my love, my soulmate. But the thing I’ve learned on this journey that’s had the most impact is that I had to be my home before he could be. I had to belong to me. I had to own my own story, love all my selves, hope for my future, and believe in myself. Only then could I truly begin to offer my surrender on a level beyond anything I’d imagined, anything he’d imagined.

It sounds crazy – I needed to know I’d be ok with aloneness, with my ability to stand alone and be myself in order to be the most vulnerable, to be the most courageous in my giving to M. To truly surrender, and for us to do the hard work that makes this the most amazing, evolving partnership. It’s a sacred place.

It’s the place of true belonging.

-image via Pinterest

Break Me

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break me

make me,
give me no other choice,
pull me from within myself,
over and over,
as many times as it takes

take me,
with presence,
with words and eyes before fingertips,
have no mercy,
make me yours

consecrate me,
force me to focus all my energy,
give me but one purpose,
claim my devotion,
coaxing it all to the surface

overtake me,
push me to my limit, then beyond,
catch me, love me,
make me,
never forsake me

but, please, oh please

break me

Alive

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he pulled me to him,
he pulled me into his lap,
so I was able to see directly into his steely eyes,
the way they go on forever,
the way they see right to my center

he ran his hand down my too-rigid spine,
and I felt everything in his fingertips;
there was no past,
no regret,
no resentment

it was just him –
skin, muscle, bones, blood,
the pull and squeeze of his familiar heart

it was Him,
all mine,
wanting me to be His

and so I let go,
I gave up,
gave in

I stopped fighting being alive

Watched, Part One

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At the corner of the couch, lying partially upright, she sat between his legs with her back against his chest, one leg outstretched on the cushion and the other draping off the front of the cushion. His strong arms enveloped her, and the fleecy softness of the gray blanket caressed her skin with each subtle movement, his fingertips stroking her upper arms as he praised her one more time.

“You did so well, Love. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, Sir,” she purred, his words weaving themselves into her veins, making her skin tingle.

“I love that everyone knows that you’re mine.”

Coming out in a low growl, the ‘mine’ shivered down her spine as his hand came up to her neck, palm flat against the front of her throat, his fingers and thumb slowly gripping just above her collar, beneath her jawline. She loved nothing more than to know she’d made him proud, but that particular word made a home in her chest. One syllable spoke an entire lifetime of feeling, 23 years of love, perseverance, and commitment. Ownership. It spoke directly to her essence – she belonged to him.

As his other hand kneaded her breasts, squeezing until she gasped, plucking at her nipples with a rough pinching and pulling, she wriggled a bit at the pain/pleasure. The stinging welts on her ass and up her back rubbed against him, the ouchy, bruised spots on her sit bones so sensitive as her weight slightly shifted. Her core clenched involuntarily, over and over, spasms of fire shooting straight between her legs.

He must have known that’s what would happen, because his hand cupped her cleanly-shaven mound, the warmth of his palm against the baby-soft skin causing her to moan. And want. Fingers barely grazed the delicate skin, up and down, like butterfly flutterings, teasing her need to the surface. Eyes closed, her body molded to his, relaxing into the safety and softness. The rise and fall of her chest synced with his, and her focus was solely on how he made her feel. She was lost in him.

In the peripheral, she heard the buzzing sound, but didn’t realize it was coming from under the blanket until she felt his arm rest on her thigh, the vibration traveling from his flesh into hers. Unconsciously biting and rolling her lip between her teeth, her chest heaved with irregular, nervous breaths.

“Keep your legs just as they are. Trust me,” he whispered, his breath warm on her cheek.

Suddenly, a sharp, brow-furrowing, open-mouthed intake of air stilled her chest, seizing her breathing altogether. The buzzing hum took its place within her, as he positioned the vibrator between her legs. Head fallen back against him and eyes shut, she wasn’t even sure how long she’d been holding her breath when she heard him speak again.

“Breathe, Love. And keep your eyes open.”

Opening her eyes, the realization hit her.

Oh, God, everyone can see.

That knowledge spread its tentacles through her, blooming in her cheeks and a creating a small knot which began to twist around in her belly. She forced her chest to rise and her lungs to accept the air. It was cooler than she remembered it being just a bit ago when she was naked in front of these same people, which struck her as odd. The coolness drawn into her nostrils and permeating her insides made her acutely aware of the contrasting heat flushing her cheeks, and the magnetic warmth between them under the blanket.

Scanning the room from face to face, she knew for certain that many people were watching the happenings in the room. They weren’t the only people playing, and for that she was very grateful, but, they were the only ones playing in this way, as all the others were using massage tables, the rope station, or the cross. This felt much more personal to her, even though what he had done to her on the spanking bench was soul-deep, a connection that had to have been evident to anyone watching. But this was something they’d never shared with anyone else.

Holy shit, they are going to see me orgasm.

-image via Tumblr

Bruised

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he was all teeth and muscle,
blades of white pinching at her goosefleshed breasts,
sharp intakes of air heaving,
leaving in gasps from her lips,
his warm wetness closing in around the sting,
sucking so hard her eyes clamped shut

but she did not arch away

she pushed herself further into his mouth,
welcoming the pain,
as fingertips dug into her back as if reaching for something he couldn’t wait to unearth

in that moment,
she wouldn’t have minded if he drew blood;
he was biting her, sucking her, devouring her

needing her

she would give all she had to give,
and she would take it all in,
all he had to give,
the needing, and the wanting, and the desiring,
the unhindered exposing of his soul to hers,
becoming one

for, they knew,
in the giving and the taking,
in this most sacred exchange,
they would both feel stronger than they’d ever felt before

more

in the end, 
she would be covered in bruises and bite marks,
scratches and ribbons of redness,
she would be rubbed straight to the bone with the kind of urgent exhaustion she imagined an addict felt between fixes

she would wake,
bruised to the marrow with him,
he a part of her, and she of him,
lying in his arms,
forever

-image via Tumblr, source unknown

Take Your Fill

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Disrobing, I exhale, closing my eyes
The sound of your feet, anticipation’s rise

Kneeling, embraced against your frame
Whispering compliance, I speak your name

The stroke of your finger over delicate skin,
The tremble of need, vibrating within

Eyes meet eyes, magnetized,
Strong hands gently spread aching thighs

No further words pass passionate lips,
Only the sound of your fingertips

For night is tender, awaiting your will
Please, use me, Sir, take your fill

– image via greekmeds.gr