Overcome

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she stood there, shivering,
although she wasn’t cold,
arms at her sides,
just as he’d asked,
fighting her natural urge
to cross her arms in front of her,
hiding her bulgy spots

hungry eyes admired her,
for much longer than she’d expected,
stripping her,
her nakedness far deeper than flesh

but, that voice in her head was so loud,
the one begging him,
hoping and wanting,
telling her what she needed,
pulling at her attention,
the attention he deserved

she didn’t know it,
but he intently watched
the struggle unfold within her,
welling in her eyes,
but refusing to release

he’d like to say he didn’t love it,
that forcing her to overcome herself
wasn’t so damn satisfying

but it was,
oh, God, it was,
for them both,
although it wasn’t always easy

nothing worth having is easy,
they say,
and she was worth the effort,
his everything,
so, he’d make her fight,
with a smile, even,
loving every minute of it

he’d lead her straight to him

kissing her with gentle lips,
down the nape of her neck
and across her shoulders,
he wound the jute,
‘round and ‘round and ‘round

the crazy thing was,
she wished in that moment
she could peel off her skin
and step out of it –
scream a guttural cry,
melt and allow herself to easily
be re-molded

for, who she was inside right then,
wasn’t who she was,
nor who she wanted to be –
not any more, dammit,
but she needed to
embrace that part of her,
quiet her

overcome her

the soft, suede flogger
struck her breasts,
again and again,
waxing and waning in strength,
in a rhythm all his own,
but never quite hard enough
to make her recoil,
which is what she loved
(needed, she thought)

that voice in her head
begged for more,
harder,
and harder,
please,
oh, please

oh, please,
break me

and he did,
he broke her

he broke her, not with force,
but when he looked into those teary eyes,
and did exactly what he wanted,
paying no attention
to what she thought she needed

and though it seemed completely
ass-backward from the outside looking in,
that was exactly what she needed,
to fit once again
in her skin

in his arms,
his

-image via Tumblr

Home

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This journey has taught me many unexpected things. What began as a journey of self discovery, morphed into one of relationship transformation for M and I. That shared journey, not just the past four years, but the last 25, has been a source of strength and support beyond measure. It’s one reason I am where I am today. Who I am.

I belong with M. There’s zero doubt. He’s my home. He’s my support, my shoulder, my lap, my love, my soulmate. But the thing I’ve learned on this journey that’s had the most impact is that I had to be my home before he could be. I had to belong to me. I had to own my own story, love all my selves, hope for my future, and believe in myself. Only then could I truly begin to offer my surrender on a level beyond anything I’d imagined, anything he’d imagined.

It sounds crazy – I needed to know I’d be ok with aloneness, with my ability to stand alone and be myself in order to be the most vulnerable, to be the most courageous in my giving to M. To truly surrender, and for us to do the hard work that makes this the most amazing, evolving partnership. It’s a sacred place.

It’s the place of true belonging.

-image via Pinterest

My Surrender

I am no mindless fucktoy
kneeling at the feet of any commanding boy

I am no opinionless subvert
reciting ‘Yes, Sir’s’, wearing plaid skirts

I am no boundless subservient 
doing anything I’m told, devoid of dissent

I am no willing doormat
bowing down, to be looked down at

I am a strong, educated equal
bringing just as much to the relationship table

I am a soft woman, insightful and self-aware
I know where I’m going and I know how to get there

I earned my inner wisdom with blood, sweat, and tears,
and I won’t allow that to be belittled, manhandled by fear

For, I am submissive,
and I choose to follow him

I willingly offer surrender,
because his love is both fierce and tender

I give myself to him,
because my happiness is his seraphim

He values my voice,
so I surrender my choice

He knows what I need,
because he’s asked, not decreed
and he’s been by my side for 24 crazy years, 
sharing in all of the blood, sweat, and tears

I surrender to this man, 
who owns every inch of my heart,
but he doesn’t make me whole, 
that’s my responsibility, my equal part

-image via Tumblr, source unknown

Take Your Fill

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Disrobing, I exhale, closing my eyes
The sound of your feet, anticipation’s rise

Kneeling, embraced against your frame
Whispering compliance, I speak your name

The stroke of your finger over delicate skin,
The tremble of need, vibrating within

Eyes meet eyes, magnetized,
Strong hands gently spread aching thighs

No further words pass passionate lips,
Only the sound of your fingertips

For night is tender, awaiting your will
Please, use me, Sir, take your fill

– image via greekmeds.gr

Rules at Foreplay (She Thinks, Part Two)

As she set the brightly colored Fiestaware on the kitchen counter, the drilling sound startled her, causing her to squeal and jump. Before she could move her feet to see what was going on, his face appeared through the kitchen doorway.

“What was that?,” she asked.

 “Don’t you worry about it, you just finish dinner,” he said, holding up two shiny, metal hooks in front of his wicked grin.

Coyly wiggling his eyebrows, his face disappeared, and he went back to drilling on the other side of the shared wall.

She went back to stirring the soup,  but all she could do was grin. He never ceased to surprise her, and these seemingly small surprises meant so much to her. He kept things fresh, exciting, mysterious. Hot. So freaking hot. And the best part was, she was comfortable enough in their power exchange to be in the moment, not develop any expectations, and feel the excitement. To just feel and be, with him. Happy. Insanely turned on. Joyful in her submission.

When the drilling was complete, he pulled her away from the stove, walked her to the dining room wall, and asked her to lift her arms to meet the eye hooks. He gripped her wrists and held them next to the hooks for a moment, then ran his hands down her sides, the silky fabric of her purple nighty slithering against her skin, causing goosebumps to form. She was acutely aware of her nipples becoming taut against the thin cloth, her body beginning to do the begging she was so desperately feeling on the inside. 

“Perfect,” he said, nodding his head, his eyes saying much more. 

Reaching up to grasp her chin in his hand, and he kissed her, a ferocious, unable-to-breath, toe-curling, oh-God-please-more kiss, then abruptly disjointed his lips from hers. Breathless, she bit her lip, shivering, the anticipation electric between them. 

“Now, get me my dinner,” he lovingly commanded, pulling her away from the wall, spinning her, and smacking her squarely on the ass. Hard.

She did just that, still biting her lip, noticing the cool wetness between her legs as she strode to the stove. 

All she could think was, I love that man, and he fucking rules at foreplay. 

-image via Tumblr, source unknown

I Could Get Used to This (She Thinks, Part One)

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Chopping and stirring, she shuffled about the small kitchen, readying dinner. “Come away with me, in the night, come away with me, and I will wri-i-ite you so-o-o-ongs,” she sang along with Norah Jones, swaying her supple hips to the sultry rhythm. There was something about Norah’s voice that electrified her, made her want to close her eyes and feel every note, made her daydream about arms wrapped tightly around her, flesh gripping kisses, and fists tangled around her curls. It fit this evening perfectly.

She sang and danced her way around the kitchen, grabbing the last few things she needed. Bending to reach the bottom cabinet, she smiled, the cool air on exposed flesh reminding her she was wearing no panties with the nighty he’d chosen, just as he’d asked. As she shimmied and shuffled, there was the constant grip of the soft, black leather around her neck, and the tinking of metal on metal, as the o-ring of her collar sung a crisp, comforting tune with every movement.

The blissful song of ownership.

And all she could think was, I could get used to this.

Pedestals

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Asking M to dive into this journey with me was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever done. It felt like I was running, leaping off a cliff. Except, there he was listening. Trying his best to understand and absorb what I was saying, looking at me with no judgement whatsoever. There he was, leaping with me.

We leapt, together. I, with a soul in an uproar, trying to find center, to shed and get back to who I am, and move forward to who I wanted to be. Leaning on him was frightening, but necessary. Along with all the internal challenging I was doing, was a growing vision of what we could be as we grew. Especially since we felt so at home, and were thriving in this environment of constant and deep communication, of evolution.

As we dove, I was guilty of wishing for us to feel a certain way – he the dominant who took the reins easily and with few hiccups. It was easy to overlook the fact that M was traveling a journey of his own as well, in his own way, on his own time. I put him on a pedestal and expected him to be superhuman. That wasn’t clear to me until longer than I care to admit. I don’t mean the kind of pedestal on which one places a sacred love that you wish to elevate, hold closely, and protect. I mean the kind where there are rose colored glasses and expectations as tall as skyscrapers. The kind that is selfish.

No matter how much I wanted to believe I wasn’t expecting M to be someone he’s not, or grow and flourish at my speed, that pedestal allowed me to expect and hope for things that weren’t fair to expect or hope for. He is who he is, and just because I envisioned this didn’t mean it would look this way. And the most horrible part about putting him on that sort of pedestal, was that sooner or later he was bound to do something that would knock him off. He is human…and I wasn’t expecting him to be, or I was expecting him to be the same kind of human as me. Neither was okay.

The worst part is that when he would fall, I’d have trouble with that, because I wanted him to behave another way, to understand this way or that. To just know. To want the same things as me in the same ways and make that happen.

I won’t lie and say I don’t sometimes still catch myself doing it, because I do. But these days I do know nothing is ever how we envision it, and the best way to develop realistic expectations is to communicate, trust, be patient, and open my damn eyes to see what is right in front of me. I love what I see.

He is who he is, we are who we are, and it’s nothing like I once envisioned. And I’m ridiculously happy with that.

Marry Me

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speak to me in dragon’s tongue,
in silk fingertip,
and breathless grip,
claim me, show me I’m the one

listen to me with thirsty ears,
with eager de Sade,
and lightning rod,
pushing boundaries, facing fears

speak to me in action alone,
narrowing all distance,
diminishing resistance,
the only sound our primal moans

listen to me shout your name,
in arches and cries,
and quivering thighs,
an eternal, fiery flame

marry me in spirit and soul,
intersecting hearts,
one sum of all parts,
my surrender and your control

-image via Tumblr, source unknown; also shared as part of Masturbation Monday Week 138

Tinder

in these social situations,
she especially loved their magic,
it was like he was holding her hand,
even when he was across the room,
helping her butterflies settle and her fidgeting
to wane

tonight, he’d chosen the black, backless dress,
the one that accentuated all her curves,
that made his eyes glow a littler brighter

hungrier

as she stood there conversing,
she felt his fingers gently graze the exposed flesh of her upper back,
their strength coming to rest upon her shoulder,
his thumb softly caressing the base of her neck as she spoke

she was suddenly thankful for the cool breeze
against her warming flesh,
as her words instinctively fell to the rhythm
of his thumb’s back-and-forth,
back-and-forth

until the warmth of his palm pressed flat,
gliding to where his thumb had been strumming,
fingers wrapping themselves around the
back of her neck,
gripping

owning

that’s when the words caught in her throat,
something between elation and need
bubbling up,
her belonging effervescent,
so readily flowing just beneath her surface these days,
but threatening to overflow in the moment,
contained only by the slight upturning
of the corners of her mouth,
her bashful anticipation reaching for him

her eyes flicked right to meet his,
and green met green the way steel
caresses flint,
flashing sparks

a foreshadowing of what was to come…

-Gif found via Tumblr, source unknown